one of those days
There were many days in my life where I hated myself for allowing myself to be with people whom I do not like to be with; or people whom I have nothing to say to and can’t be bothered to make talk with, and people whom I do not wish to be seen around with. And sadly, today happens to be one of those days……(dun worry, kcyf..you are not one of them! lol)
I wonder if there is something wrong with the people around me, or does the problem just lies with me and me only, like, perhaps I am just not sociable or accommodating enough to be nice to everyone…but, why are there so many out there who tell jokes that I cant even force out a false chuckle at, and even more of those whom I don’t feel like talking to and even if I do, won’t understand what I am talking about???
“曾灰心以为, 我来错了世界, 太多想法很另类, 找不到人了解...”
But then, why do I still bother to dine with them, and why do I still bother to give them the “I am listening” and “I am interested” look, when in my heart, I am already hating myself for being there with them?!?! I don’t know why, honestly. I just can’t say no, and I hate myself for not being able to say no. This must be a sign of growing up…
wahaha…but I also have a lot of my childish ways to avoid making talk with people, like, pretending not to see them (small eyes come in useful at times), pretending to have fallen asleep (on bus or train), or walk past them pretending to be having some serious conversation on the hp.
To sidetrack a bit…today I saw a 95% aka toro guy on the train, think I can expect myself to jue yuan with cgs for the nxt 2 yrs le…wahaha…cos this one hbhtkal!?!?!
I wish I can have 26 hours in a day….1 more hour to spend with my parents and 1 more hour to think about where do I go from here.
Just now I heard traces of music coming from a kid’s lantern from the corridor…a very nostalgic melody….same to the one that I used to have, I have forgotten how many years back it was then. The melody triggered off memories of the days where I will bug my parents to bring me downstairs to carry my lantern…suddenly I miss being mummy/daddy’s girl…a lot.
I remember the days where my dad will give me goodnight kisses and my mum will cover me and tuck me in bed every night. It is indeed upsetting to realize that these are all the price that I paid to “grow up”, to be independent so that they can worry about me less, to be sensible to ensure them they have been very good parents, and to earn money to give them a better life. It is all inevitable I know, we all have to grow up whether we like it or not.
I hate myself for having drifted apart from my dad (and it really takes me a lot of courage to admit this)…i mean, it’s not that we are on bad terms now, just that we were much closer to each other in the past. This is something that I can never get over. He is still a very good father without any doubts, just that as I become more sensible, I started to disagree with some things he do. Life just has its way of forcing onto people things that we cannot say no to, u know…things just happen like they have never happened before, and changes just take place bit by bit, day by day, until one day when you suddenly realized it, but at the same time also realized that u cannot go back anymore.
Since when did we start to have to find a topic to talk about, and since when have we stopped holding each other’s hands naturally. I have forgotten…
I treasure my parents a lot, not to mention loving them…but despite saying so, I always forget that just by knowing it myself is not enough, I also need to let them know. I mean…I am sure they do know, but I don’t know if what they know is as much as what I feel.
It is a fact that I have drifted apart from my parents, as compared to the past. I don’t want to blame it on growing up and hence having more commitments, or having stayed in the hostel for 2 and a half years, or even because I need to earn money now…no single reason can excuse anyone from neglecting kinship.
I guess, to them, bringing home money will just never be as good as making them cards. Just like how, to me, having them to trust me like an adult is never as good as them holding on to my hands tight for fear I get lost in the crowd.
So, I will try to bring home money and still find time to make them cards for them from now on…
misunderstood...again!!!
Ok….I have decided to stop blogging in chinese because that will mean I will lose 66.67% of my readers and I have also decided to remove my previous Chinese entry because it looks so ostracized by the other entries…haha
Some work related sentiments that I have been wanting to let off…
To me, work is never smooth, and work is never easy, if not, it will not be called “work”. And any rubbish matters or people that come along in the name of work and in the course of work will just be “part of work” to me. We are all paid to face rubbish and to clear rubbish ah…if work is such a pleasure, why do you think you are being paid and if work is such a breeze, what do you think you are in the company for???
All jobs have their turn offs I think, be it long working hours, traveling from pasir ris to tuas, loser colleagues, bitchy superiors, $35 annual increments…blah blah blah, no one job is perfect la. Many like to compare jobs a lot and to them, the grass is forever greener on the other pastures. But, how will you know until you are in the job and in the position yourself? You will not know hao bu hao!! Many things are just not as simple (or good) as what they seem on the surface, and honestly, do you think people are so readily to admit to you that their job sucks actually? Close friends maybe la, but if its just the ex-schoolmate you met on the bus, do you expect he/she to bare their heart to you and tell you about how low their pay is and how they got bullied by the boss?? NO rite!! So, STOP thinking about how everyone else’s job is better than yours cos this will only make you hate your job more!
My principle is, as long as what you value in the job outweighs the shit, then you have every reason to learn to appreciate and love your job.
Ok…gou le…I m not trying to show that I m sensible or what la…just that recently a lot of people at work have been getting on my nerves by complaining about their job for as long as they have been in the job and I dun see any intention from them to leave…wana tell them a “ni men gou le!” “ni men hen lei ren!” wahaha
Today is zhen yang…I writing essay ah!!! just have so much to say!!
Yesterday I left work at 630pm (official knock off time is 6pm), and a colleague said to me: “WAH! *my name*..u very good ley…I see u like everyday very relaxed one hor” ………….and SHE is the one who makes half-hourly announcemts of “wo hen lei ah!!”, “seibei stress ahh!!”..and SHE is the one who takes 2hrs lunch breaks daily, has an assistant to do all dirty chores for her, and usually goes back earlier than me (obviously she hasn’t notice!)
And being the “wen shi li de xiao hua” in the office, I gave her a sweet (read: fake) smile and strode out! Enuf!! In my heart I just wana tell her that it’s because I dun spend all my time grumbling and also becos I m more efficient than you ba. And also wana add on that I m rushing to give tuition (for the 2nd time this week), so what makes me more relaxed than you!!!
And to add on to all the misunderstandings they have about me, my colleagues all think I am probably the most stress free and carefree figure in the office, after the make coffee ah-sao. And I really duno where they get their big idea from because what I am doing is no different from most of them!!!!! AHHH!!! Gou le!! Grrrrr!!!
Ok, maybe I should just smile less and frown more, and when time is right, shed a few tears here and there ba. Yah, and also, complain more, and make my complaints heard!!! And should I also let you all know that since day 1 at work, I have been dreaming about work even when I fall asleep on the train, and a few times feel so stress and hectic that my heartbeat becomes irregular and I cant stop trembling (mildly of cos la…haha) even after I have reached home! So that all you out there will start believing that you are not the only ones working hard!
Wahaha….today I really write chao duo!!! Can see how zhua kuang I m with all the above mentioned…lol
But anw…I think I still man ai my job de ba….at least for now!!
an angry sn
great...I have once again been proven to be on the right track of "i hate guys". some guy has jus incurred the wrath of a sn..which is not an easy thing to do. and take note i say "some guy" becos it is jus not ethical to mention names while blogging, not to mention dragging the bf into the picture and passing groundless comments on their r/s when u do not know anything AT ALL! (btw, no, my bf do not know I am writing this...so far only 3 people know, and yes...now u can start feeling guilty about how i trusted you to read my blog, and how u happily exposed my url to all your blog readers, thank you very much!)
anw, i dun think i need to explain to anyone how i distribute my love la. but if you really nid to know, you can always ask me and i may tell u, so you dun have to assume i love my idols more, and to emphasize my fren's point...they are 2 different types of love.
And i want to say that we do not compare spore guys to tw idols really...cos we really duno where to start comparing from. and also, we idol lovers dun need our idols to realise that we exist on this little island, cos we are happy enough indulging in them and discussing about them ourselves. This is just our way of making our lives happier...like how you guys may indulge in pornography, picking up gers, knowing gers or soccer. so...what is so wrong with our method? everyone has their right to pursue their desired happiness ba..is there an age limit on any methods? i dun think so, of cos, it may not be the most common path taken, but why issit the wrong path then???
about why I hate spore guys so much...it is really not about them not looking like our idols. rite..all of us, guys and gers are just people trying to make a living and have a life of our own, but I only hope that guys can give themselves and people they interact with more respect by trimming their nostril hair when they are sticking out, by not geling their hair in wet look with the comb marking and an ultra defined parting, and not walking down orchard road in their teva or trail flip flops, by not wearing washed out polo tees with high waist jeans and new balance sports shoes. I am not talking about looking cute..really...but just looking presentable and looking like you respect yourself and the people you are going out with. to me..na jiu gou le.
i think this is all for tonite...and i feel very lucky i m from a different planet as u guys. u dun need to know us la..seriously, we dun nid you to.
goodnight gers.... haha (think i nid to add a haha to lighten the mood..cos its a sn blog afterall!!)
yea!
guys...get off my path
Working on sundays never fail to leave me feeling down...i don't think I need to give any explanantion for this right.
and I have realized that i actually hate being home alone on sunday evenings, tho usually got quite nice prog to watch on tv, but just cant help feeling lonely and neglected. This I cant really explain why too...i jus hate the feel of sunday evening alone, but then i also dun like to be out cos i will feel very tired and unprepared for "the brand new week" ...maybe its juat premature mon blues ba..
now to the main point for today: i m disgusted with 95%(maybe more) of the male population in spore!!! YES!! the "i hate boys" mindset dun only happen to primary schoolgers! i think I (we) have had more than enough of all of you le la...really!! this is nothing new of couse...as of before today, i was just too numb to make any comments le, but something just strike me again today! maybe becos i am in a bad mood and suddenly a lot of er er guys jus have to keep appearing in front of me on the train! like they are not irritating enough jus standing quietly in a corner!!
i really think i can blog a thousand entries on how i hate their hair (no hairstlye to tok abt) and their clothes and their shoes and their loser outlook and attitude and their bad(no) sense of humour and their insecure look and their lack of feng du and their zi yi wei shi.....etc etc.....the list goes on....i mean...if u all dun look cute then suan le..can u all at least look clean, neat and presentable or just simply....look right!!! but now i got no time to spend on u all cos i m too busy with yc!!!! next time sure will elaborate la...this issue will never get resolved.
goodnight everyone...any guy who come across this may wana send me a hate mail/comment ba. can challenge what i said if u tink they are accusations, anw i wana hear yr explanation too, if not i can nv understand y u all so loser...wahaha...
nothing much.
Today has not been a good day...pulled myself away from the TV and left home early for work, thinking i will try to change my bad habit of being late when working in afternoon shift. lao tian shi zai dun appreciate my effort...rch somerset mrt and it was raining...sn nv bothers w umbrellas....i stood for 15min n decided I have to try dash across to mandarin hotel in the rain....but as u all noe...how fast can a sn "dash" even when the ground is not wet??? a fat and un-agile one somemore?? n calling myself pumasn dosen help a single bit..maybe i shd just have imagined xm/yc in front....
so i was wet when i rch the hotel and let me just brin up tt the ballroom was snowingly cold...what were my fats doing then??? i tot they shd also be protecting me frm the cold other than making me look FAT?? wahaha...
anw...its one boring and tiring day at the hotel again...walking from one end of the ballroom to the other...pushing wagons and trolleys thru the irritated crowd...and waiting for the lift that you can never have a chance to enter cos its always packed! and doing all these knowing that back in the office my work is piling up.grrrlll!!! lucky lmg came to visit in the evening and lucky got ms w me!!
tmr will be a full day at work, rushing btwn office and hotel..i wish i can take a cab to and fro...tmr morning i will regret not spending the time i using now to post this entry to sleep instead...
ok...to end off....let's all try to stay happy...in our own way...like quitting your job if you do not enjoy retail...u all out there..heard me?????
不是温室里的小花!!
Today, a colleague commented that I am a wen shi li de xiao hua (for dj's benefit, wen1 shi4: greenhouse, xiao3 hua1: little flower...not schoolbelle..lol). This is nothing new to me ba...tho it's the first time someone spells out to me like that...i am not offended, honestly, there is no nid to, in fact, i tot it sounded more like a compliment to a sn wanabe like me. wahaha...but it spurred on smthg in me and i think i have been misunderstood by most of the world...which all the while i m aware of actually, but din see the need to clarify....
yes, i confess to having a soft outlook...not just mentally, but also physically..wahaha. ruan ruan de wor...like yc!!! but to be very cliche...never judge a sn by the cover. u may think i m submissive, but this is just my way of showing respect for u all, the "seniors" and the "superiors",u may think i m clueless, but i m just not interested, and u may think i dun have a mind of my own, but its plainly becos i think u are not worthy enough for me to share my tots. zhen yang!!!
many think i am very pampered, i do not deny, but its becos I know how to appreciate the love that i have. many tink i m happy-go-lucky and take things lightly, but tts becos I know how to make myself happy, and many think i have a good life, of cos i have, i am healthy and abled, and u all are too!! issit that enuf to make life good?
once again, i m not a wen shi li de xiao hua at heart, i dare say that underneath my ruan ruo casing, i do have my own insistence on matters!! yes, i do hide in the toilet to cry, and i do complain a lot at times, but at the end of the day...i will still go on if i have set my mind on smthg...like my work. i noe i m indecisive and wishy washy at times, but take note these are all traits of a sn, one whole package, no choice abt that...wahaha.
so, to all those who have misunderstoood me, dun undermine my mental strength just because i cant carry heavy cartons and I can't walk as fast as u all!! one day i will prove you all wrong, not by changing, but by revealing...
lastly, wana let off some fumes. u all out there who dun bother to help me today and only know how to come and say feng liang hua, i despise u all!! make a sn do this kind of chu huo-er all by herself!! again reinforce that spore nan ren dun have looks and dun have character...we are right!!!!!
today is a day of hard work at IBB...just hope dis week pass quick enuf...
tsj: outing on sat????
To my dear friends...
These days I am beginning to enjoy the company of friends a real lot, girlfirends to be specific, so much so that I am starting to feel I may not need a bf. Honestly, I am an introvert with a small social circle and I can mix with the same bunch of frens forever, and I am proud and happy to be so cos who needs to have a lot of hi-bye friends anw!
I have 3 major cliques namely the LMG, the D4 and TSJ (in descending order of no. of yrs known) lol. I guess as we all grow up and grow old, we have our own commitments like jobs, bfs, religion and etc, and hence we can no longer afford to hang out at MacDonalds the whole day or chat till dawn...but at least when we meet up, the chemistry is just there and we can just talk about anything and laugh at each other so effortlessly. In the past, I used to have cold wars here and there with some of them la, but u noe...eventually we are still tgt again, like ming ming zhong the bond will just be there.
And i used to be a very big loser in the past who will get very affected when i feel a friend have done/said smthg to" "hurt" me (lol..sounds very childish)...but no longer dunno since when la...now i can appreciate all my friends for their individual weird characteristic simply becos they are my good friends!! and now i know good friends dun really have to meet up often to be good frens cos they live in your heart all the time and good frens dun need to have common topics or interest cos we dun mind pretending to b listening to one another....haha...
ok...i noe all the above sounds very cliche la, like some pri school autograph entry! tsj is very strict towards clicheness these days..wahaha. but this is really smthg i feel rather strongly recently and tonite esp, so have to let all my frens noe how i like u all so much.
To my dear friends out there...hope u all can be happy always..
and to PH, take care and see you in 1 yrs time!!!
and to ts of tsj...jia you!
and to kgn1, bad movie but lucky got jipa!
and to daf n juleng...how ar u all?!?!?
ps. to the fren who got scolded by me today, I'm sorry la..today was just not a good day at work and u had to kip popping in. u noe psn dun usually scold pple, sn hate to scold pple cos its un-sn.
nice skins are rare
why is it so hard to get a nice skin!! why are there no puma or yc or xm skins!!! ahh...and i want to repeat again(tho xq will scream)....i have my jian chis too!! and this happen to be one of them! this will take me yi bei zi.
listening to landy's di yu tian shi now and some other mp3 from the past, reminded me of the days back in hostel, i used to be so in love then.
ok, i really need to go to sleep le, have been staying up far too late these night and have been complained about looking very qiao cui and troubled at work. haha...yes, i do feel deprssed abt work sometimes, but i may also just be feeling stressed about not being able to reach home on time to catch xm, anw these people will never really noe me la...i am just a different person at work.
ok...really gg to slp le. pls give me a good day tmr.
